It’s still April fool’s day.

And that reminds me

Things my brother taught me

  1. Do not pour gasoline from a jerry can onto little plastic soldiers you have set on fire
    • it will explode
    • you will throw the jerry can and set the garage on fire
    • you will have to explain to your father what happened
  2. Do not break a firecracker in half, light the paper shell on fire, pick it up and blow into it when nothing happens
    • it will explode
    • you will burn your eyebrows off, and singe the nose-hairs back to your tonsils
    • you will have to explain to your mother what happened
  3. Do not but a live bullet in a vise, and use files, hammers or power tools to dis-assemble it
    • it will explode
    • you will be deaf and blind for about a half hour
    • you will have to explain to your mother and father what happened
  4. Do not throw big rocks at a dead, bloated, stinking, rotting cow
    • it will explode
    • it will make you sick to your stomach
    • you will have to explain to someone, somewhere, exactly what happened
  5. Do not build a go-cart and use your mother’s sewing machine motor to provide power for the wheels
    • the motor will explode
    • it won’t work
    • you will have to explain to your mother again what happened
  6. Further, do not build a go-cart, burn out your mother’s sewing machine motor, use an alternate power source such as your father’s table saw motor, and hook up the pedal for the sewing machine for a gas pedal to control the speed of the wheels
    • the pedal will explode
    • it still won’t work
    • you will have to explain to your mother and father again what happened
  7. Do not put a dart board on the roof of the house, tie strings to darts, and shoot for bulls-eyes
    • nothing will explode, but
    • when you pull on the string to retrieve the darts, chances are very good they will fly straight back at you, and
    • you will have to climb onto the roof (bleeding from the leg) and retrieve the dart board so you will not have to explain to anyone what happened
  8. Do not attempt to install a transmission into your old panel truck by yourself
    • the transmission will fall on your face
    • you will not be able to lift it off by yourself
    • you will have to explain to your brother why you have been laying under your truck, moaning, for the last hour