I understand that public washrooms are designed as a convenience, and not as one of the top tourist attractions you must visit when you are in the local mall, department store or service station. Generally, I avoid them, because you just never know what you might find, or worse yet what might find you.

The other day, I needed to use the facilities at one of the local department stores. To provide more information than is probably necessary, I’ll provide a little background. I had bought a box of raisin bran muffins, and the claim that they help maintain regularity is understated. Three bran muffins will make you very regular – as a matter of fact, the timing is exactly one hour, thirteen minutes and forty-seven seconds.

Moving on…

As the saying goes, no job is finished until the paper work is done. That detail is a problem in a public washroom. First of all, the dispenser is invariably located just out of reach – that is either two feet behind you, or two feet in front of you. Once you manage to position yourself in a position where you can touch it, you will find that the paper is all rolled up inside the dispenser.

With your fingers just barely able to reach inside the opening, you should be able to rotate the paper around completely about three times before you find the end of the roll. At that point, one sheet will rip off, and the paper will automatically retract back into the dispenser.

I’m sure that there are some people who simply give up at this time. I’m not a quitter. If you pull very slowly, you will be able to extract a suitable length of paper for you project.

Now here is the real problem. The toilet paper isn’t like the stuff at home. It feels like writing paper, or a very fine grained sandpaper. But the worst thing is, it appears to have a waxed coating on it. This illogical addition to the paper seems to defeat the whole purpose.

It doesn’t wipe or absorb. It just smears and spreads. It just doesn’t work. In fact, the more you try to wipe, the more you smear. Disgusting, isn’t it?

You leave the washroom with a most uncomfortable feeling. In fact, I’m not sure you feel any better than before you went in. It’s just a different uncomfortable feeling than before.

The moral of the story – bran muffins are good for you, three might be too many. It is possible to have too much of a good thing.