Have you ever noticed that people with remote controls for their car do not lock their car until they have walked far enough away from it that a potential thief could open the door and let himself in?

Watch them. It’s really quite a ritual.

They get out of the car, and walk away. They don’t look back – ever. They just walk along juggling their remote control in their hands, or rubbing it in their coat pocket, or swinging it by the key chain, waiting for that particular and precise moment when it’s time to lock the door.

And then, without looking back, but with a grand gesture towards the car with an upraised arm, like an Egyptian pharoh commanding his slaves, they point at the unlocked vehicle and wait for it to obey their bidding with a little “chirp chirp” or “honk honk” of compliance (which I assume is the car equivalent to bowing with awe and respect)

The truth is, I have one of those gadgets for my truck. It doesn’t really work properly so maybe I can’t really relate to the ceremony. But here’s the thing.

You have just got out of your car. You obviously have electronic door locks if you have the remote, and there is a button on the door (which you just got out of) that locks all the doors. In fact you may have had to avoid touching the button accidentally because it’s likely close to the door handle.

The opening ceremony is almost as strange, but it can be dangerous. I’ve seen women stop walking in the middle of the driving lane of the parking lot, fidget through their purse for the remote, so they can unlock the door from fifty feet away. Men are no better – they slap all their pockets (standing in the middle of nowhere) looking for the damn remote. Really – wouldn’t it be better to look for your keys in a relatively safe spot – beside your car and out of traffic?

Really, why would you need remote controlled door locks on a car. Think about it. It’s nothing like the remote for your TV. That’s like comparing apples and watermelons. You are all comfy in your easy chair, and the channel needs to be changed, and viola! – it’s done. But your door locks – you have either just left the vehicle, or are going to it, and the keys are in your hand (because the remote is always on the key chain) so what is the advantage?

Finish this sentence for me – I need to unlock the doors to my car from the living room because…

As I said, my remote works sporadically. It sometimes locks the door, and sometimes not, and sometimes it honks once or twice or three times, and sometimes the lights flash, but in any event, the audible and/or visible signs mean nothing, because the door may or may not be locked. Maybe my truck just has an attitude problem, because occasionally it just honks constantly (like whining perhaps) until I go back and unlock or lock the door the good old fashioned way with the key.

One other thing before I go – those remote control starters – are they really only supposed to work when the truck is already warmed up? That’s the way mine is. When the truck is cold, it only runs for about ten seconds and shuts off. If the truck has been running, and the engine is fairly warm, it fires up and keeps running. Of course, sometimes the horn honks constantly, and all the doors unlock themselves, but at least the truck is running.