Anyway, we bought a new lo-water, lo-profile model and all should have been good.  Except for the fact that it actually flushed “#1″ sort of haphazardly, and any deposit you could actually be proud of was at least a double flusher.  All of that made the lo-water, environmentally friendly feature redundant.  The only solution was a “How to Use the Plunger” poster displayed prominently on the bathroom wall.

The fact still remains, it’s a good looking, futuristic toilet. I’m sure if I could hook it up to the internet, or use a USB plug and connect it to my computer, I could download an important update that would actually make it functional.  But alas, www. toilets-R-us.com seems to be down for the moment, so I need to revert to the old fashioned plunger and sewer snake method.  Or perhaps a sledge hammer.

I’m leaning toward the sledge hammer at the moment…

To be more precise, do something destructive. I need a bathroom upstairs, because it’s a long and dangerous walk in the middle of the night to the main floor for a pee. The obvious place (and the only place) is in the closet / hallway.

The fact that there is a couple of walls to remove can be remedied with a sledge hammer, a pry bar,a little ambition and lots and lots of dust.

Now, my original idea was that I would remove the walls, and (remember, there’s no real blueprint here) build a wall about 3 feet from the stairs and install a bathroom on the other side of the wall. I suspect it’s easier to say than it is to do. But, I do need a tentative plan. After all, you can’t just knock down a wall for no reason at all.

Well, you can. It IS sort of fun. Moving on…

As soon as the wall started to come down, I realized that there was a lot more light upstairs, (from the window at the end of the hallway) and I liked the look of the open space at the top of the stairs. In fact, I had suspected that would happen before I broke out the first chunk of plaster.

Reality check.

I need a bathroom upstairs.

The new effect is good too, though…

The dog was no help. He had no opinion except that there was a mess on the stairs that someone needed to clean up.

The more lathe and plaster I removed, the more I questioned my need for a bathroom upstairs.

Finally, the walls were gone. I REALLY like the open feeling.

Reality check #2.

You need a bathroom.

Okay, I need a bathroom. However, upon consideration, that business about privacy is kind of over-rated isn’t it?

To confirm my suspicion, I called my brother. Being clear headed, logical, and the most down to earth, practical guy I know, I knew his view would be valuable, and the only opinion I could trust and respect.

Naturally, he agreed. To a point. He suggested that a room containing a toilet should have a degree of privacy. An easy solution would be a couple of plants on each side of the toilet.

Reality check #3

I need a bathroom upstairs.

It’s probably going to be a whole lot smaller than the original plan, though.

The other day, I needed to use the facilities at one of the local department stores. To provide more information than is probably necessary, I’ll provide a little background. I had bought a box of raisin bran muffins, and the claim that they help maintain regularity is understated. Three bran muffins will make you very regular – as a matter of fact, the timing is exactly one hour, thirteen minutes and forty-seven seconds.

Moving on…

As the saying goes, no job is finished until the paper work is done. That detail is a problem in a public washroom. First of all, the dispenser is invariably located just out of reach – that is either two feet behind you, or two feet in front of you. Once you manage to position yourself in a position where you can touch it, you will find that the paper is all rolled up inside the dispenser.

With your fingers just barely able to reach inside the opening, you should be able to rotate the paper around completely about three times before you find the end of the roll. At that point, one sheet will rip off, and the paper will automatically retract back into the dispenser.

I’m sure that there are some people who simply give up at this time. I’m not a quitter. If you pull very slowly, you will be able to extract a suitable length of paper for you project.

Now here is the real problem. The toilet paper isn’t like the stuff at home. It feels like writing paper, or a very fine grained sandpaper. But the worst thing is, it appears to have a waxed coating on it. This illogical addition to the paper seems to defeat the whole purpose.

It doesn’t wipe or absorb. It just smears and spreads. It just doesn’t work. In fact, the more you try to wipe, the more you smear. Disgusting, isn’t it?

You leave the washroom with a most uncomfortable feeling. In fact, I’m not sure you feel any better than before you went in. It’s just a different uncomfortable feeling than before.

The moral of the story – bran muffins are good for you, three might be too many. It is possible to have too much of a good thing.