So there’s a batch here that should have been posted before, but instead were just saved to my private space. There’s nothing too exciting. so you haven’t missed much…

Watch them. It’s really quite a ritual.

They get out of the car, and walk away. They don’t look back – ever. They just walk along juggling their remote control in their hands, or rubbing it in their coat pocket, or swinging it by the key chain, waiting for that particular and precise moment when it’s time to lock the door.

And then, without looking back, but with a grand gesture towards the car with an upraised arm, like an Egyptian pharoh commanding his slaves, they point at the unlocked vehicle and wait for it to obey their bidding with a little “chirp chirp” or “honk honk” of compliance (which I assume is the car equivalent to bowing with awe and respect)

The truth is, I have one of those gadgets for my truck. It doesn’t really work properly so maybe I can’t really relate to the ceremony. But here’s the thing.

You have just got out of your car. You obviously have electronic door locks if you have the remote, and there is a button on the door (which you just got out of) that locks all the doors. In fact you may have had to avoid touching the button accidentally because it’s likely close to the door handle.

The opening ceremony is almost as strange, but it can be dangerous. I’ve seen women stop walking in the middle of the driving lane of the parking lot, fidget through their purse for the remote, so they can unlock the door from fifty feet away. Men are no better – they slap all their pockets (standing in the middle of nowhere) looking for the damn remote. Really – wouldn’t it be better to look for your keys in a relatively safe spot – beside your car and out of traffic?

Really, why would you need remote controlled door locks on a car. Think about it. It’s nothing like the remote for your TV. That’s like comparing apples and watermelons. You are all comfy in your easy chair, and the channel needs to be changed, and viola! – it’s done. But your door locks – you have either just left the vehicle, or are going to it, and the keys are in your hand (because the remote is always on the key chain) so what is the advantage?

Finish this sentence for me – I need to unlock the doors to my car from the living room because…

As I said, my remote works sporadically. It sometimes locks the door, and sometimes not, and sometimes it honks once or twice or three times, and sometimes the lights flash, but in any event, the audible and/or visible signs mean nothing, because the door may or may not be locked. Maybe my truck just has an attitude problem, because occasionally it just honks constantly (like whining perhaps) until I go back and unlock or lock the door the good old fashioned way with the key.

One other thing before I go – those remote control starters – are they really only supposed to work when the truck is already warmed up? That’s the way mine is. When the truck is cold, it only runs for about ten seconds and shuts off. If the truck has been running, and the engine is fairly warm, it fires up and keeps running. Of course, sometimes the horn honks constantly, and all the doors unlock themselves, but at least the truck is running.

I had never used it, but it was supposed to let me take a photo from as far as 25 feet away. So, when someone said they wanted a family photo while we were in Edmonton, I thought it was the chance to try it out.

After I figured out how to make it work (you have to change some of the set-up on the camera to enable it) I set the camera on a tripod and lined everybody up and pointed the marvelous gadget at the camera and pushed the clicker button.

Nothing happened.

So I waved it around (cause that’s what you do with a remote control when it doesn’t work) and tilted it up and pointed it down and aimed to the right and then the left and pushed harder on the button and pushed again and still nothing happened. I moved a little closer and pushed the button and still nothing. About 5 feet from the camera I got a beeping sound, and a red light started flashing, but by the time I got back to where I should be, it was too late.

In the end, one of Ashley’s friends acted as the remote control. Not quite so high tech, but it worked better.

It is clearly and undeniably my brother’s fault. All I wanted was to know the quickest way out of Edmonton to get me to the Yellowhead. He gave me too many details (or not enough, I’m not sure yet) Anyway, somewhere during the discussion there was a 14 mentioned (or perhaps a 214) and a 16 (or a 216) The final result, according to my brother, was that even if I missed the turnoff, all roads led to the Yellowhead, if i turned north (or maybe it was south)

I know one thing for sure. I wasn’t supposed to take Highway 14. But I did.

Highway 14 is not a bad thing as it turns out. The little compass thingy in my truck said I was going east most of the time, and I figured I would eventually run into Saskatchewan. Where in Saskatchewan I wasn’t sure, but I would deal with that problem when the need arose.

There are very few towns along this highway, and hardly any signs to let you know where you are. It’s not a busy highway, and it’s actually in good condition. So I was on a good road, with no clue where I was. Oh well, as long as there was a gas station somewhere, I was okay.

I’m glad I took the wrong road, because I snapped a few photos I wouldn’t have been able to get on the Yellowhead.

Of course, as I’ve said before, I’m easily distracted, and it was about 9:30 when I finally got to work.

My attic has (or had) a combination of sawdust and some sort of blown in fibre for insulation. In addition, there were pots and pans, lamp shades, old newspapers and magazines, and lumber. I’m not sure what the total “R” value was, but I left the sawdust and fibre stuff, and added some of that fibre-glass insulation on top of it. The lumber and pots and pans were removed, and I left the lampshades just because.

Some advice for those of you who might attempt to insulate an attic by yourself.

Don’t do it.

You should at least have someone around in case something catastrophic happens.

For example, the step ladder could tip over when you give yourself that final thrust to get into the attic.

Of course, it won’t fall over completely – just against the wall, where it is completely and totally out of reach.

This is not a problem though, because you can use the trouble light to snag the ladder, and set it up again. No worries, right?

on to page 2

And that reminds me

Things my brother taught me

1. Do not pour gasoline from a jerry can onto little plastic soldiers you have set on fire
   • it will explode
   • you will throw the jerry can and set the garage on fire
   • you will have to explain to your father what happened
2. Do not break a firecracker in half, light the paper shell on fire, pick it up and blow into it when nothing happens
   • it will explode
   • you will burn your eyebrows off, and singe the nose-hairs back to your tonsils
   • you will have to explain to your mother what happened
3. Do not but a live bullet in a vise, and use files, hammers or power tools to dis-assemble it
   • it will explode
   • you will be deaf and blind for about a half hour
   • you will have to explain to your mother and father what happened
4. Do not throw big rocks at a dead, bloated, stinking, rotting cow
   • it will explode
   • it will make you sick to your stomach
   • you will have to explain to someone, somewhere, exactly what happened
5. Do not build a go-cart and use your mother’s sewing machine motor to provide power for the wheels
   • the motor will explode
   • it won’t work
   • you will have to explain to your mother again what happened
6. Further, do not build a go-cart, burn out your mother’s sewing machine motor, use an alternate power source such as your father’s table saw motor, and hook up the pedal for the sewing machine for a gas pedal to control the speed of the wheels
   • the pedal will explode
   • it still won’t work
   • you will have to explain to your mother and father again what happened
7. Do not put a dart board on the roof of the house, tie strings to darts, and shoot for bulls-eyes
   • nothing will explode, but
   • when you pull on the string to retrieve the darts, chances are very good they will fly straight back at you, and
   • you will have to climb onto the roof (bleeding from the leg) and retrieve the dart board so you will not have to explain to anyone what happened
8. Do not attempt to install a transmission into your old panel truck by yourself
   • the transmission will fall on your face
   • you will not be able to lift it off by yourself
   • you will have to explain to your brother why you have been laying under your truck, moaning, for the last hour

I was watching the news on TV and they said there was a huge solar flare, and it would hit us this evening. This would cause an amazing aurora, and I was determined to try to get some pictures.

I decided to head out past the west side of town. I watched from my house until it appeared they were getting pretty intensive, then loaded the camera, my tripod, the dog and me into the truck.

I didn’t realize I was almost out of gas, so I had to stop – I wasn’t going to sit in a cold truck. It was about -30C. ARRGHH!!!

Huge lineup at the gas station. People renting DVD’s. ARRGHH!!!

Got gas – lights are getting brighter. Haven’t seem that that bright for a long time. HURRY HURRY

Red lights. Every f***ing intersection. I can’t believe it. ARRGHH!!! Wow – they are getting even brighter.

Granny is in front of me. She’s lost. She’s looking for an address. She’s looking at something. Why is she stopping. The lights are dancing! ARRGHH!!! Park the car and walk for Christ’s sake!

Good – she’s turned off. Two miles to go. Wow – the lights are fantastic!

What!??? What the … !??? There’s never a train here. Oh well, it can’t be long. I don’t believe it. IT IS A LONG TRAIN! Where the hell is it going? The tracks end about a mile from here! ARRGHH!!! The lights are still shining – sparkling, waving.

Good! I’m here! Tripod set up. Dog chasing something – that’s okay – find him later. Camera on. NO CARD!!! Where’s a card? I must have a card in the camera bag. Found one. GO!

Picture taken. NOT GOOD! Too much light. Try Again. Shorter exposure. Change stuff. Make it work.

BATTERIES DEPLETED Give me a f***ing break. Do I have batteries? I must have batteries. Where’s my gloves? Damn, my fingers are cold.

Well, needless to say, by the time I got everything working, the northern lights had faded to half of their glory. Still, the photos turned out fairly well. Maybe the next time.

For anyone interested, the photos were given an exposure of 20 seconds, the F number was 4.5, and the ISO set at 400. I used BibblePro to edit the raw image files and bring out the colours.