Watch them. It’s really quite a ritual.

They get out of the car, and walk away. They don’t look back – ever. They just walk along juggling their remote control in their hands, or rubbing it in their coat pocket, or swinging it by the key chain, waiting for that particular and precise moment when it’s time to lock the door.

And then, without looking back, but with a grand gesture towards the car with an upraised arm, like an Egyptian pharoh commanding his slaves, they point at the unlocked vehicle and wait for it to obey their bidding with a little “chirp chirp” or “honk honk” of compliance (which I assume is the car equivalent to bowing with awe and respect)

The truth is, I have one of those gadgets for my truck. It doesn’t really work properly so maybe I can’t really relate to the ceremony. But here’s the thing.

You have just got out of your car. You obviously have electronic door locks if you have the remote, and there is a button on the door (which you just got out of) that locks all the doors. In fact you may have had to avoid touching the button accidentally because it’s likely close to the door handle.

The opening ceremony is almost as strange, but it can be dangerous. I’ve seen women stop walking in the middle of the driving lane of the parking lot, fidget through their purse for the remote, so they can unlock the door from fifty feet away. Men are no better – they slap all their pockets (standing in the middle of nowhere) looking for the damn remote. Really – wouldn’t it be better to look for your keys in a relatively safe spot – beside your car and out of traffic?

Really, why would you need remote controlled door locks on a car. Think about it. It’s nothing like the remote for your TV. That’s like comparing apples and watermelons. You are all comfy in your easy chair, and the channel needs to be changed, and viola! – it’s done. But your door locks – you have either just left the vehicle, or are going to it, and the keys are in your hand (because the remote is always on the key chain) so what is the advantage?

Finish this sentence for me – I need to unlock the doors to my car from the living room because…

As I said, my remote works sporadically. It sometimes locks the door, and sometimes not, and sometimes it honks once or twice or three times, and sometimes the lights flash, but in any event, the audible and/or visible signs mean nothing, because the door may or may not be locked. Maybe my truck just has an attitude problem, because occasionally it just honks constantly (like whining perhaps) until I go back and unlock or lock the door the good old fashioned way with the key.

One other thing before I go – those remote control starters – are they really only supposed to work when the truck is already warmed up? That’s the way mine is. When the truck is cold, it only runs for about ten seconds and shuts off. If the truck has been running, and the engine is fairly warm, it fires up and keeps running. Of course, sometimes the horn honks constantly, and all the doors unlock themselves, but at least the truck is running.

Well, last weekend, the truck moved out of his back yard to the front street. At some point in time, I discovered that the truck belonged to a friend of my neighbour. The story is, that he bought the truck, but didn’t want his wife to know, because she had explicitly forbid him to buy a new truck. So the truck was hidden away under the tarp for two months – I’m sure his wife was completely fooled by this little trick.

My neighbour was complaining to me that he was getting tired of lying to the wife about what the old gentleman had done with about $25,000 that used to be in their bank account, and was only going to store it for another month or two. “Four months is about as long as I can let him use my yard, and lie to his wife.”

Now, none of this is really any of my business, but I have found it to be more than slightly amusing.

But now, the truck has been parked in front of my house for a week. Right in the middle of “my space.” Legally, I have no claim over that area, but it annoys me.

I approached the subject sort of cautiously, and remarked that the truck was finally out of storage, because it had been parked in front of my house for a week. I should know better, because subtle is not a concept my neighbour generally understands.

“Yeah,” he says, “the old guy wanted to take it for a drive and make sure the battery was charged up and keep the engine lubricated so it wouldn’t seize up. His wife still doesn’t know he bought the truck, so we decided to park it in front of your house in case she drives by. She’s starting to get suspicious, I think.”

“Uh huh… you guys don’t think she’ll know that it’s his truck parked in front of my house?” I asked, with a slight emphasis on the “parked in front of my house.”

“Well, if it was in front of my house, she would probably know for sure. Besides, sometimes I like to park in front of my house and not in the driveway if I plan on going out in just a little while.”

“I do too,” I said. “I was going to park out front today but there’s not enough room behind the truck, and I would block your driveway. If I park in front, it puts me too close to the hydrant and stop sign, and I might get a ticket or have a vehicle towed away.”

Of course, he came up with a solution to my dilemma. “I’ll talk to him when he gets back in town and see if he can pull the truck ahead a couple of feet. How much room do you need?”

Count to ten (or a hundred) Maybe a more direct approach is needed…

I knew I wanted some sort of an SUV, or 4 wheel drive something or another. Like I said, it’s been a long time since I looked at cars, and I knew very little the last time, and a whole lot less this time.

It was also tough explaining to the car salesman that I had no money, was unemployed, and didn’t have and couldn’t expect any money until sometime in June. Maybe close to the end of June, and certainly not before the middle of June. But I wanted a car, with no down payment (or at least a deferred payment until June sometime) and I wanted it now. I also explained that I had no credit rating worth mentioning, so a loan was out of the question.

I found a 2001 Blazer that I thought was in my price range (if I had any money or credit) It had all the accessories I wanted – sun roof, spare tire carrier on the back, roof top racks, manual controls for the 4-wheel drive, and a few of the new options you can get with cars now. Actually, they probably aren’t even options now, but the last time I was shopping they were Cadillac or Lincoln options.

So, when I left the car lots last Thursday, I felt I had given it my best shot, but I would be driving a 1986 Celica or a 1991 Nissan 1/4 ton for some time.

But, I got the phone call today that everything was all set if I still wanted the truck. I went up and took it for another drive, and signed my life away on a loan that will cost me twice the value of the vehicle.

But it is shiney (if the sun hits it right) and that’s all that counts, right?

Don’t get me wrong – he’s a good neighbour, willing to lend a hand whenever it’s needed, and never afraid to share his opinion on almost anything.

I call him the lawn mower man. In a way, he’s almost like my father. You never can have too many lawn mowers. But that’s another story for another day

To get back to the tarp, you need a little background.

About a week ago, my neighbour and his “Italian old-timer” friend (his words, not mine), would talk loudly in front of his house for an hour, and then jump into one of their vehicles on some sort of secret mission. I knew it was secret, because I overheard (remember I said they talked loudly) that someone was not supposed to find out about it. This went on for several days.

I didn’t give it much thought. Perhaps a surprise birthday party or something.

Anyway, two days ago, the two of them were busily tearing down part of the fence in the back yard. They measured loudly many times (everything is loudly with those two) to make sure the opening in the fence was big enough, and then jumped in the truck and were gone for two or three hours.

Before you think I’m just a Mrs Kravitz (the nosy neighbour from Bewitched, remember?) don’t forget, everything they do is loud. You can’t help but overhear or wonder what the hell is going on.

When they returned, they had a brand new shiny white Ford half ton truck. Between the two of them, they squeezed it through the section of removed fence, shut the engine off, and admired the truck (loudly, of course) for about a half hour. It is a nice truck.

Then, they took off again. They returned with a Canadian Tire bag full of bungy cords and a great big blue tarp. With much ado, they covered the truck completely (except for the radio antenna – they cut a hole in the tarp for that) Several noisy measurements were made to make sure the tarp was on the right way, and that it would indeed cover the entire truck.

That task completed, they rebuilt the fence and walked out back into the lane and declared that the truck was not visible at all.

I admit it – I am curious. Why would anyone buy a brand new truck and go to all that trouble of hiding it?

When I find out, I’ll let you know. Maybe there’s more under that tarp than we need to know.