There’s a TV commercial for a drug that, after listing all of the side effects (including death), suggests that you should ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex before taking the drug.

What if the doctor says no?

After admitting to yourself you have a problem, weighing the consequences of the horrendous side effects, and then making what I assume to be an awkward appointment with the doctor to discuss the situation, you are probably determined that you are going to have sex.

“I don’t think so,” is probably the last thing you need to hear.

Or worse yet, “absolutely not!” After all, you are willing to risk heart attack, internal bleeding, fainting, ulcers and an early grave in order to participate in this age old tradition.

Anyway, it’s just one of those things that occurred to me.

What would you do?

The other night, I had the Animal Planet channel on, and in the “coming up next” promos was a show on the “fascinating and deadly vampire fish recently discovered in South America”. Now that sounds good. Vampire fish. Not vicious, flesh eating piranha or sharks, but real, honest to god, blood-sucking vampire fish…

Like all programs like this, the introductory segment explains what they are going to do in this episode, and why, and who. The opening line was something like this:

“We are going to take a trip down the Amazon River in search of the Candiru or vampire fish. According to the native people of the area, this fish is capable of swimming up the urine stream of a man relieving himself in the river, and lodge itself inside the penis. The vampire fish stays there until it is gorged with blood and actually explodes. Because of this nasty habit, it has earned the nickname, the “willy fish”

“The fish has tiny, spike shaped barbed fins, which face backwards, so that when the tail of the fish is pulled in an effort to remove it, the fish becomes even more aggressively and permantly attached to the inside of the penis. Many men, because of the intense pain involved, choose to have their penis amputated rather than wait until they can get to a hospital where there is a chance it can be surgically removed.”

I hear the “chance it can be removed” and shiver. Chance?? Chance!!!?? What’s up with that???

In any event, the intro has caught my attention. Not only is it a real, honest to god vampire fish, but it apparently is rather selective on where its’ blood source comes from, as well as the sex of its donor. Throw in amputation of the one part that no man should be without, and this becomes a “don’t miss episode”.

As it turns out, the vampire fish is a victim of bad P.R. (public relations) and poor judgement. The little bastard appears to be confused about the smell of pee and the smell of fish breath. Then again, they may well have a similar odour. The vampire fish “attacks” the willy because he thinks it smells like the water coming out of another fish’s gills. You see, the inside of gills is where they vampire fish prefers to get his meals.

I haven’t peed for two days now. Better to be safe than sorry, as far as I’m concerned.

You can see a video on YouTube about the vampire fish here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSLKZzuLC00

I’ve been wondering how much longer my TV was gonna last.

The users’ manual told me that at some point in time, I would have to replace the projection lamp (usually after about 2 years) I guess I’ve had that TV for 3 or 4 years, so I’ve done better than average.

Funny thing, even though there’s a little LED light that comes on that says “replace lamp” I insist on trying it every other day or so. Just in case it was confused. It seems the TV is pretty sure that it needs a new lamp. It just keeps winking it’s nasty little red light at me.

Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as going to SuperStore or Canadian Tire to get one. As expected, no one actually has replacement parts. They are very willing to help me select a replacement television, though.

I must admit, I’ve gotten used to watching the big screen.

I do plan on making a trip to Calgary and Edmonton in the next week or so. Maybe I can get a lamp there.

Or maybe I’ll come home with a new plasma TV.